| |
|
|
| 03:00am 19/01/2007 |
| |
"i forget what psych thing i was reading
but the gist of it was, heres what you do to fall in love with someone. you find someone random you find at least somewhat attractive
spend at least half an hour telling each otehr your deepest, darkest secrets
and spend at least five minutes just staring into each others eyes in silence
apparently they had bunches o sets of people do this for an experiment, about 80 percent of them ended up dating for at least a couple months and about 30 percent of them ended up getting married"
^something anna was telling me about, this has a lot more truth to it than most people would admit to. |
|
| |
|
Read 4 - Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 01:16am 19/01/2007 |
| |
Life has been good.
well, enjoyable, at any rate.
I get the feeling that my life is terribly empty. it has all the trappings of a normal, even fantastic, life (and what trappings they are~!)
but inside, I feel as though I am on a floating saucer in the middle of a long, dark tea-time of the soul.
I wonder if this is because of lee. I find it very odd to write that after so many years (I haven't spoken to her in at least 3), but I was talking to my best friend here, Tim, about old times, times he'd missed, and he was telling me about his life in the great Before. And I wondered aloud, what if... what if you fall in love with someone and if you lose them, you never ever do it again? I'm really hoping this isn't the case, and intellectually, I deny it easily and completely. But inside I'm not so sure. I *do* feel like I've lost something since that day, I forget the date now... The day before I left CK for christmas break, and lee told me she didn't care about me at all.
that and my cat. My cat died before I went to cranbrook, the year before I started there. It hurt me on a level that I'm not sure I really understand... she died alone and far away from me. It still makes me cry.
I'm not an emo kid, and crying isn't a bad thing. What I'm really getting at here is, why do I get the feeling that I've lived life as a kind of charade for a long time? well, maybe not a charade, more like one of those doped up "depressed" people who's never sad, but they're never unmedicated, either.
I'm a closet drug addict, snorting numbness from my computer.
I'm buried beneath 12 layers of strawberry parfait, and only occasionally claw my way to the top to eat the whipped cream.
mostly I'm just silly XD
I haven't dated in 2 years now. in that time, I've only fucked one person, and blown another two, which doesn't count by most standards. I've kept my bisexual tendencies (rare, but I definitely don't qualify as "straight"). Mostly, I just want someone who is comfortable. people play too many games these days, and I'm not into that really. I like to spend money on people, but I certainly dont' want to do it as part of some epic quest for pussy. and I don't want sex to be bought, I want it to be given freely and joyfully. So what is this dating thing? I don't get it. here's some rules that I see about dating - feel free to correct me if this isn't actually what people do.
1> find someone you dont' know very well
2> hit on them, flirt with them, or otherwise demonstrate interest.
3> ask them to join you for a movie, dinner. or other appropriate activity. make sure to bring your bag of witty one-liners, since neither of you really knows anything about the other.
4> if you make it past the awkward phase (the passing interest of a new person is gone, but you do not yet know one another) and are still enjoying each other's company for whatever reason, fuck.
is this really how it goes? I have a really bad tendency to get bored, or just analyze someone, look at their flaws, and decide I'm not interested (which is a really good excuse to not have to go through the bother of being vulnerable, also conveniently avoiding the possibility of rejection.) Yet even though I acknowledge that I don't have a burning desire to go out and get the cold shoulder (it's happened a few times... I'm not the skinny white kid. that really limits your chances with a lot of girls here) because I'm not in shape, anorexic, or anything less than "chubby" (maybe "portly", but I think that's pushing it. I've never even sailed before.)
well, I suppose that's really not the only reason. it's not like I really hit on people, unless you happen to be a lesbian/feminist/linguist and can pick out my subtle, timid hints during conversation. Being a guy, I suspect that most expect a bit more bluntness. You'd think that I of all people wouldn't have a problem obliging.
Where sex is concerned I feel downright pervy when I say "you're pretty cute". Frankly I think my inhibition against unmasked attraction is a little weird, or at least it clashes with my personality.
but, I ramble, to get back to my original placemarker, I hope that I'm not stuck to lee forever. I must say, I really haven't felt deeply about anyone since then. Attraction, yes, even deep regard, care, or affection. but not face consuming adoration and a sense of need. Tim can't figure out how I can go for 2 years with only one amorous encounter. As for myself... well, I know it isn't going to be what I want it to be. Most girls are not possessed of the mystery, the depth, the strength and sensitivity, the bluntness and shadow which I am looking for. Was I ever ... dare I say it, IN LOVE, with lee? and if I was, am I still? and if I am, how long will it take to forget?
and more than anything else, at least concerning lee, are you worth forgetting?
unfortunately, I don't really have any answers XD
the most incongruous thing about this.. rant, I suppose, is this; MY LIFE IS AMAZING. I don't like 3/5 of my roommates - but I never see them. and I'm moving out in the spring. I have a computer, a tv, some other toys, I have a great job, a best friend, and a bunch of not-so-best-friends. I make enough money to travel to see all the friends of mine scattered across the country. life is good.
Life DOES need to be rearranged, at least a little bit. I need to rethink a few things. get myself back together.
and in the words of my horoscope in the city paper today, "unleash my super powers upon the world"
love,
and lots of it,
in great big bubbles
which float off into the sunset,
josh |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 03:03pm 14/09/2006 |
| |
I want there to be a site called suicidekittnes.com, sort of like suicidegirls.com. haven't come up with a clear plan for what will be on the site yet... but just think of the possibilites! THINK OF THEM! |
|
| |
|
Read 4 - Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 07:37am 04/08/2006 |
| |
hum... been a while since I was here XD
updates on life:
life is good~! been playing less video games (got bored omfgomfg thought that would never happen XD) so I've been WATCHING NARUTO MWAHAHAHAHA (thanks for the site kaoru, it's the only good one around as far as I know). I watch it like a fiend, watched 50 eps the first weekend and I average about 6-10 eps a day (dependent on download speed as well)~ I'm up to 150 now.
went to a fun party with bean last weekend (it was a surprise party for lally's 16th birthday (stfu I'm not screwing around with any of them)) it was a blast, we played frisbee, got in a watermelon fight, and generally acted like fools. wtf 12 14-17 year old girls, a random 16 year old guy.. and me. riiiiight. but it was fun XD
laura's coming back this week, and she and bean and I are goign to have a returning picnic before bean leaves the next day.
hmm tim's in florida, finally found a job (you bum!) and I hope is making progress... tho it sounds like all his friends down there are crazy >< I miss him XD even though I wanted to kill him sometimes, he was a great friend for stuff like.. hanging out wtih bean a laura, midnight grocery store runs, and just randomly wandering around with.
miss katie and abi and 'zen, too I keep calling (well, not as much lately) but they're impossible to get ahold of T.T
thinking about hte coming year, I'll be busy, two jobs (hopefully) and a college class (I think), and hopefully able to still fit in sugoi, acen, and maybe even ax (now I'm REALLY dreaming) it'd be fun to visit kaoru at college this year tho XD
it'd also be fun to go to michi and see clark, anna, snatch, maybe even ashes~ but we'll see if I have the time/money for that ><
other than that,.... life is good XD just applied at a pizza place on the corner, that'd be a fun job =D
anyway.. yah! see you around! keep in touch!!
oryx |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
| has it really only been 8 days since I posted last? O.o |
|
|
| 01:54am 04/06/2006 |
| |
well, it's been a crazy 8 days XD
hmmm... where'd I leave off...
well my crazy roommate tim isnt' leaving for another week; what a ditz XD I told him to get his bus ticket at the end of last week, but he didn't try to get it till this week, and so to get the good rate he has to wait another week ^^;;
(in his defense, he's even worse than I am at money management -a scary thought- and just got paid this last thursday). last sunday some friends of ours came over to hang out; I went out to get food/hard lemonade and when I cam back lo and behold tim had gotten into a water fight with our friend laura XD I just can't leave him alone with girls, he goes nuts XDDDDD what is it with me and hanging out with slutty guys >.> *I love you kaoru*
in other recent news, my job still sucks but I'm not really making any effort to find a new one... IT PAYS SO WELL SHUT UP OR FACE RAVAGING SQUIRRELS FROM CANADA WILL EAT YOUR FACE!@!
oh yah that reminds me, I started playing on a high rate twink server (faithRO, 200/200/40), and I'm loving it. finally... people still don't party, but that's ok because it's not necessary. and I'm playing a creator still, enjoying it because the homunculi are so broken XD *thanks kaoru, I never would have tried alchy if not for you* the class is broken beyond all reason, great class even if it takes hours of farming to do anything fun. I found a really AWESOME guild (the above quote is from one of our rambling rants back and forth), and I'm pretty happy on the whole, with that.
my phone broke ._.
so now I have to get a new one, sucks cause it was a cool headset phone, and I don't htink I'm willing to pay for anotehr ._.
perhaps I can just get a new headset? we'll see~
last night some girls came over (mutual friends of tim and myself, one of them is kinda... uhh.. well I don't know any details for 100% sure, but I'm pretty confident that she and tim are getting "jiggy" with it), and she brought her cute (but underaged T.T though not by much) goth cousin. we had fun, just playing cards and hanging out. oh yah that was until tim decided to stab my mattress, and have his finger on teh release... he cut himself and OMFG IT BLED SO MUCH GOD THERE WERE RED RIVULETS.
haha it was lmao hilarious and patching it up with paper towel and double sided tape was... special... he's such a moron sometimes XDDDDDD really smart, awesome guy, love him to death but man I swear he's going to kill himself one of these days. The girl with whom I think he is "jigging" (contrary to popular myth, this term is unrelated to the archaic dance form :P) had some kind of drama last night.. iono but what I do know is she called us sobbing today T.T and so now tim is rushing off to save her (or whatever passes for it)... he's a hopeless romantic, and I cant' decide if I should sigh, hit him, or laugh.
and finally... our house is leaking. yes, I have to empty a bucket under the sink about once an hour (for some reason I'm the ONLY one who empties it ._.), and my roommate refuses to call the landlord >.>
I don't know wtf is up with that, she claims she "doesn't want him to know that our hot water has been shut off" (she's the self appointed bill payer, but she got real ditzy about this one... or something.. iono it has to do with a long string of events that happened before I got here) I'm not super happy about it but I like not having to pay a hot water bill XD
anyway... stuff XD OH YAH I ALMOST FORGOT.!!!1.1.11.1!!1
I'm getting a new computer :D
my parents are sending me their old (read as fucking awesome) laptop that was broken, but is now getting fixed. I'm going to take an online course this coming semester :D I can't wait.. it'll also be nice to finally FINALLY have a computer that doesnt' have serious issues *oh wait, I had one of those until I blew it up >>*
anyway, this is xerxes signing off ^^ ttyl! |
|
| |
|
Read 4 - Post |
| |
| memorial day wackiness |
|
|
| 01:20pm 27/05/2006 |
| |
well, things have certainly been interesting lately XD
my good friend, roommate, and general partner in crime tim is leaving in a week =/ since most of you don't know him at all, he's a crazy native american playboy from florida. we just have lots of fun, both RO junkies, both nutty. we are always busy, playing games, reading web comics, having water fights, destroying the house.... the usual XD I'm going to miss him >.>
been playing ro like a fiend, switched to a highrate server where the max level is 255, but it actually takes time and effort to get there XD
so it's actually more like high drop rate and high powered server, I guess, but it's fun. I was invited to one of the most powerful guilds on the server (in the top 3), and that rocks cause it means I have access to wtf pwnage gear and pretty decent people. I've also met some other nice people~
work is boring as shit and I'm really happy it's memorial day weekend. I want to call brielle and hang out with her and brady, it's been a while (they're friends from the place I used to work for), and on monday I'm going to go fly kites with my good friend mike.
anyway, I'm still getting around to calling you katie but it'll happen XD prolly this weekend ^^
tty'alllater |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| it begins anew :D |
|
|
| 02:38pm 13/05/2006 |
| |
well, now that I've really started talking to abi/kaoru/clark a lot more, it seemed only logical to start updating livejournal again (then you guys can read about all my crazy antics /gg)
damn, lj is confusing after you leave for a year and a few months XD
anyway, great weekend, went to katie's party (a friend of abi and 'zen), and I was slightly skeptical at first but ended up deciding, what the hell, if I have a shitty time the world won't stop in it's tracks. katie and I had a rough start at ACen 'cause she had to "show me who's boss". I wanted to strangle her and desecrate her body afterwards. I also wanted to spit in her chocolate milk the next morning but 'zen wouldn't let me, for which I'm thankful; the next day she was sweet and cute as can be, so there were no hard feelings (confusion, definitely, but I'm not one to hold a grudge for small matters~). so the party was a blast, it was great to hang out with abi and 'zen, and katie's friends were cool people for the most part. this guy sam was awesome; his girlfriend cherie (sp?), myself, and another friend of katie's, brittany, were all dancing to that song "cha-cha slide" (if you've never heard it, it's a nice beat and a barry white wannabe giving you simple dance instructions. it's a blast and a half), and it's definitely not a normal guy dance... but later when we played it again, I mentioned that with cherie (she's an uh oh oreo to the core... thin white girl but man she can DANCE and when she dances she WORKS IT) and brittany (can you say MASSIVE TITS!?) dancing it was like double bonus, he actually said, and I quote: "but it's funnier when you do it". any guy who can appreciate me dancing to that is cool in my book!!
so the party was great, no one got sick and there was a minimum of drama~
the best part was the day after, when a certain girl (who will remain nameless... if you don't already know you'll never guess who XD) told me that if she still had her strap on, she'd fuck me in the ass. it's been making me hot all day. (yes I know you didn't want to know that.. so wtf are you reading my lj sucka?)
anyway time to wrap this up and go see what my crazy roommate tim is doing... I'll try to update every few days ^_~
oryx |
|
| |
|
Read 4 - Post |
| |
| thanks, clark! |
|
|
| 01:13am 07/01/2005 |
| |
kudos to clark for my latest lj icon.. I like it a lot, and found it in the big bag of pictures that I got from him, years ago, now. shout out to great gatherers of images! |
|
| |
|
Read 3 - Post |
| |
| turbulence. |
|
|
| 12:39am 04/01/2005 |
| |
"
Do you also hurry, half-dressed and barefoot, into the garden,
and softly,
and exclaiming of their dearness,
fill your arms with the white and pink flowers,
with their honeyed heaviness, their lush trembling,
their eagerness
to be wild and perfect for a moment, before they are
nothing, forever?
"
- mary oliver, "peonies"
melancholy is bittersweet. to be wild and perfect for a moment, then ... nothing. forever.
like being in love, I fear. wish me luck.
urk. words fail; my meaning is clear, but it's not the meaning I wish to give it. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 01:31am 12/03/2004 |
| |
hehe I like this one ^^ |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
| life is a good thing. |
|
|
| 05:25am 09/03/2004 |
| |
|
mood: contemplative music: enya - lothlorien
|
I have been waking up early these last days. unexpectedly, unreasonably early. it is a call that I answer, a need to be with myself. a need to see the glory of the morning, the deep wonder of a world without so many people. it is a beautiful thing.
today I slept at lee's. it's not the night where I get her to myself, because she had plate-full-of-spaghetti masses of work to do, but it reminded me of how much I love and miss her. I have learned to forget her when she is gone, but when I am with her I remember it all over again. I watched the matrix.
and so here I am at five in the morning... I woke up at four. I am listening to lee's mp3's and there is so much memory in music. it makes me smile, and warms the hollow spot in my chest, that one where I get lonely.
coming to this place, this school and this house and this reality, is like coming home. home more than my house in burlington vermont, home more than the places I sleep. I have missed this place and the people in it more than I care to remember[in fact I am hoping to forget how much I will miss it when I leave], and being home is the best thing that has happened to me all year.
you know what the greatest part is?
everyone loves me more than when I left. it's a beautiful life. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| please fill this out.. my curiosity is starting to burn... |
|
|
| 03:03pm 31/01/2004 |
| |
c'mon, be honest... haven't you ever wanted to tell me what you REALLY think? ^_-
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I lovable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you? |
|
| |
|
Read 3 - Post |
| |
| I am, against my fear and better judgement, an idealistic fool... |
|
|
| 05:11pm 07/07/2003 |
| |
I just finished reading The Fifth Sacred Thing, a book by Starhawk. Read it, goldenthing, you will love it.
... I am avoiding it. even in my times of strength I avoid things I fear like the plague. I am a romantic fool. emphasis on fool. if I heard about a society where people loved each other, where I wouldn't have to worry about the world's judgement, if I heard about a society where I could be me and be safe all at the same time....
I would believe. I would drop it all and run until I found that place. I would give up my home, my friends... I would give up my sacred things, if I had to. I guess I am capable of faith. |
|
| |
|
Read 3 - Post |
| |
| hehe |
|
|
| 09:23am 31/05/2003 |
| |
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
I cheated a little bit on this one, I mean I said I think some things are ok that I don't, but it was so fun... ^_- |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| on the lotus flowers under my (our?) feet... |
|
|
| 10:24pm 30/05/2003 |
| |
and of course you are a goddess, ne?
*pbth* |
|
| |
|
Read 2 - Post |
| |
| the lighter side of things... |
|
|
| 11:50pm 28/05/2003 |
| |
this in my final english paper:
(at least, I would like to use it, I think it will fit)
"Really good Faith, the kind with a capital âFâ, is like a French poodle, such a rare thing that it must be treasured, even though the masses will laugh and jeer."
somehow, it gives me great amusement.
here's to finals... *clink* |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
| this is great... mine isn't very good, but he's cute... |
|
|
| 08:25pm 26/04/2003 |
| |
Moshu Gadansk's
Battle Imp
is |
Ilon |
Backstabbing: 6
Dodgin': 6
Guts: 4
Magic Mojo: 4
Smackdown: 2
|
| </tr>
|
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| you know? anna, she is right. |
|
|
| 10:15pm 09/04/2003 |
| |
sometimes, we are spiralling into desperation only to be hooked and pulled out by the least likely source.... but... well, it's a good thing.
"well, more accurately, they dont think they are, or they dont think they can be. Will i ever be able to know that everyone is perfect with so many around me that refuse to beleive it? -everyone- is perfect and beautiful and right, and if you dont think you are...well, either youre not really being you, or your definition of perfect is flawed. Or youre simply refusing to see that you are. whichever." -anna
now, I am full of shit goldenrod. yes, yes I am. and sometimes, oftentimes, I get scared or hurt, and then I am not me. but I will tell you that I am a person like no other, and you can't see me anymore... that hurts. and it hurts that you would pretend to be happiness with me, deceive me that way, for so long a time... that hurts a lot. that is the kind of thing I only do to people I really don't care about... and I thought I felt love in those hugs, I know you have given me at least one in the last month. I never meant to offend, only to rejoice in life, to laugh in the face of our insecurities and be one big happy family of friends. and please don't think that I do all my thinking with my penis, it's not true. I do have issues with sex, less so now that I have had some, but they are there, and I am not as quiet about them as most people are. but, although at one time I did, I don't hate you for not wanting to sleep with me, in fact I dont' think I hate anyone for that.
Andrea (from my home) and I were talking about that... I had told her that I tend to pick at the things that make people feel uncomfortable. she said that was kind of twisted... I agree. I think it's healthy, but it's not my place, not my right. I understand this. but, whether or not it's right, I make my stand here. I thought I was good enough for goldenrod; apparently I was not. I start to question whether I am good enough for other people... maybe those of you whom I am not good enough for should look closer. I have not yet become a fully infinite being, and my limits are there and there they will remain. I make no excuses, and no apologies. I will grow in my own time, in my own way, and I will do my best to acommodate your needs, but they are yours and not mine and you need to know that. I hurt, and it's not good, but I will live on, and it will pass with time.
please, I beg of you on my hands and knees, tell me if you aren't happy with me, if I am "not good enough" for you, because I won't know it on my own, not for sure, and my paranoia grows everytime someone stabs me in the back with an icicle of hate that I thought was a sword of love... |
|
| |
|
Read 10 - Post |
| |
| sigh.... |
|
|
| 09:32pm 09/04/2003 |
| |
it shouldn't hurt, I promised myself that I was done with this drama, that it wouldn't hurt, thatt I would get through high school with no more desperate situations..
I don't understand why people are so cruel... maybe they aren't. maybe I am just as cruel. today goldenrod asked me never to speak to her again,a nd that realy hurt, and she told me she had been calling me a tactless jackass for a month or so behind my back, and the 'tactless jackass part didnt' really hurt, because I have very little use for tact, about as much as I do for polite social lies, but it really hurt that she would say bad things about me without telling me that she had a problem with me...
and then later, at the night of noise, I met some girl named katy, and she seemed nice, and then anna said, "he's a scary guy." I took it kind of jovially, but that hurt a lot... she hurts a lot... seems to not like me at all anymore, and I am not quite sure where we diverged. I know that first I stopped trying to help her be happy because she told me that she wanted to be sad, and I never knew what she was thinking or what she wanted, and I couldn't touch her anymore, and then I went away and came back and I didn't want to dwell in the shadows for a while... anna, I don't abandon you when just anyone comes around. I abandon you when being around you hurts my soul, steals my light and weaves it into darkness.... and I have no idea what to do... I wish I was home in vermont. for the first time, I hate it here. I hate this place and I wish I was somewhere else and I hate how people here mask their hate with love and laughter and sex and how everything is a false pretense for living and loving falsely...
ack... full of shit... I don't know how much of that I believe, and how much of it sounds good... and I feel terribly vulnerable, and I don't think it is safe here to be vulnerable... josh was vulnerable and look what happened.
ack...
the good from good people never seems to outweigh the bad from .... other people. |
|
| |
|
Read 3 - Post |
| |
| sung in a blues-y, raspy voice, softly... |
|
|
| 10:43pm 20/02/2003 |
| |
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ai think thaaaaat,
sooooooomeone should taaaaake
me
awaaa-haaa-haayay
to that plaaa-ha-hace where the bad, bad pipple go-o
then all my good,
peeeeee-heeeple he-yah would be, saaaaa-haaayafe.
cos Ahm, bad, bad pipple, an Ah just want my
goood, gooo-hood pipple to be,
saaaa-haa-haaafe. |
|
| |
|
Read 3 - Post |
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
xerxes_dreamer's journal